"Peace, after all, is the end of the ego."
"When the pain-body is activated, know that what you are feeling is the pain-body in you. This knowing is all that is need to break your identification with it. And when identification with it ceases, the transmutation begins."
People who have difficult life experiences often find it impossible to live without the memories of those experiences. The mental narrative, that is the perception of people and situations that determine how we live, continually draws from memories to create a certain predisposition. Of course, memories involve those things that we have control over such as getting involved in a relationship or over-reacting to a situation and those things that we don't have control over such as being hit by a drunk driver, being fired from a job because of downsizing, or being born to our parents. That mental narrative tells us how to interpret and respond to people, places, and events, in large part, based on the relative stability, pleasantness, and moderation of life. Usually, a particularly difficult person to get along with has, more than not, been conditioned to respond with hostility and agitation at the most insignificant matters. Instead of reciprocating a "good morning", they may muster an unintelligible, impersonal grunt. By conditioned, I don't mean to imply that there is some reasonableness related to the difficult lives of difficult people and the difficulty of difficult people. Simply, our life often times can become our "story". "Life has dealt me a bad hand." "I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone." "No one respects or even likes me." In other words, people easily internalize single or series of episodes of tragedy, negativity, instability, and unpleasantness. I believe that one reason why negative events are so attractive is because we are basically rational beings. It's so hard to understand why unexpected death happens or why violence happens or why life can be so unfair.
So instead of accepting what was or wasn't, is or isn't, will or will not be, the death, violence, and unfairness become the voice in our head that we identify with. It's often cleverly disguised. A lack of self-esteem may appear to be related to a big nose, big ears, big or gapped teeth, big feet, ugly face, big body (at least that's what we tell ourselves), but I think that self-esteem is never about the physical state. A woman with low self-esteem may still be a little girl whose parents never told her that she was beautiful. A man with low self-esteem may still be a little boy whose parents abandoned him. Then, that low self-esteem can manifest in other ways: relationships, health, weight, attitude, achievement, perspective. That person's low self-esteem may then impact how that person parents. They may avoid social interaction or become overly protective of their children. Their self-esteem (related to a sense of life being unfair) may be outwardly expressed as hostility and jeopardize stable employment. Difficult situations can become a vicious, self-reinforcing cycle. We experience therefore we think therefore we do therefore we experience therefore we think...and on and on and on.
So how to stop the mental narrative? I think that the first and hardest step is to recognize and accept that life can be irrational, unpleasant, and inexplicable. Life happens. The reason why we keep playing the same record in our heads is because we have not accepted the wasness of the past. We think that had things been different, perhaps we would be better off. Perhaps. Perhaps not, but that shouldn't be the important question because is not what you can change. The important question should be, "How do I ensure that my past doesn't become who I am and whom I identify with?" Acceptance happens not just on the level of yes-I-agree-it-happened, but acceptance means that the emotion associated with a particular event has lessened. Instead of feeling angry, upset, or saddened, you feel at peace, content, or indifferent. You let it go.
The next step is the repair. Now, that I have released the pain, how do I undo the damage? How do I get out of this dysfunctional relationship that mimics the relationship that I had with my father? How do I stop creating drama everywhere I go? How do I learn to smile more than frown? How do I learn to trust people more? How do I learn how to get out and meet people? I think that what makes this step much easier than the first is that to do many of these things, all you have to do is do them. Want to smile more? Well, smile more. Want to meet new people, meet new people.
Thirdly, do not cease striving for greater consciousness. Once you release the pain and undo the damage, the peace/stillness/Consciousness will begin to flow in. You will feel space around all the happenings and drama in life. Instead of reacting to situations or allowing things to trigger your pain body, everything becomes so small. Trivial matters remain trivial matters. Misery may love company, but not yours. The effect will be that all the egoic wishing, wanting, and waiting will cease and the vibrancy of life that you have missed will begin to seep in. Instead of agitation, you will be accepting. Instead of hostility, you will be open and friendly. Instead of neediness, you will be self-contained.
